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si senior   
12:23pm 08/09/2005
 
music: a song off of rjs workout cd...
I really wish I had more to occupy my day. Or atleast that I had a car, because that would make it easier to find things to do. I cant stand staying at home all day. I have contemplated taking a walk, thats what I usually do, but my ipod bores me. I just downloaded a butt-load of music, so maybe it will be a little more entertaining.

I love music. Theres no stronger word to use.. if there was I would use it.

I have been battling myself off and on for the past couple days. I really want to figure out a destination. For awhile I tricked myself into believing I was sure. But Im not, I dont think I ever have been sure. There is no guarentee... to anything. I eventually stop thinking about it because it gets frustrating, then depressing. And depression is the last thing I need in my life. There is no point to it. So I just avoid it. i hear thats not a good thing. eh.

Anyways. Im really enjoying school this time around. Maybe third semesters a charm, huh. haha. But all my classes actually hold my attention, which is a big change. Each class has to do with one of the careers I am interested in. So maybe by the end of the semester I will have a little more direction. Who knows? Ill atleast have some new friends which is always fun.

The people I tend to meet at school, always seem to try to hard. I wonder if they see me that way to? haha. Everyone just doesnt know where to start.		  
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roses in december   
08:46pm 06/09/2005
 
mood: okay
music: some postman - presidents of the united states
I touched base with reality again today. My life feels less like a dream.. or shall I say nightmare. I have very little recollection of the past couple days. And no its not like I was drinking or doing some sort of drug, i was just entirely out of it.

Im sick of people who are constantly drinking or smoking. Dont get me wrong I enjoy the occasional smoke sessions.. and some nice nights out on the town with a few drinks. But for those who do nothing but.. I almost feel sorry for you. If you have no other ways of entertaining yourself and others.. then you have a lot to figure out.

Im not trying to be hypocrytical, and maybe I come off that way.. because I admit on my birthday all I wanted to do was get drunk and go out. And when I stayed at a friends house for a week we smoked bowls upon bowls nightly. But that was too much for me. I would so much rather be out and about.

Some people say I have ADD... I dont know. Maybe everyone has ADD.. In my human relations class they said everyone born in the 80s gets bored easily. I find that to be very true. Just things tend to bore me, or disappoint me. Seems mean to say, seeming as im not the most entertaining teletubbie under the sun. Comes from insecurities I guess.

Writing and art seem to be the only things that consume my time without so much as a yawn. It takes a lot of concentration from me. I become a bit of a perfectionist. I tear up sketchbooks that arent appealing to me. Wont bother finishing a paper Im not satisfied with. I've grown to work with it a bit. I cant do that anymore. I regret tearing up most of my sketches. A lot in which never left my room.

I really hope they fix my car soon. Its annoying to have to find a ride, to have to depend on other people to do what I need to do. I felt bad getting a ride from Sabrina's mom today. She didnt really have the money or gas to be giving us a ride. I wish I could have offered her money.. but I dont have any. I feel so useless.

By the time we finally got to class we were late. Not too bad tho.. they hadnt started the movie yet. We watched A beautiful mind. I don't knwo why but I pretended as if Id never seen it. Maybe because people get so excited to see how you are going to react, how the movie makes you feel.. the same way it made them feel when they saw it for the first time? Its alright anyways.. I didnt remember all of the ending. Such a depressing movie. Especially since I know that in real life his wife didnt stay with him, she couldnt bare it..

Oh and i forgot my film to process in photography... yippy. Which means I am about a week behind... in my favorite class. forgive me for lying when I say Im jumping for joy.

All in all things arent so bad. I smiled for many things today, I am getting back to my happy bouncy self, slowly but surely. I was stuck in a rut for quite a while.

I miss him, and I will smile through tears when I think of him. Eventually that will change. until then =*-)		  
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tweedle dee and tweedle dum.   
10:45am 05/09/2005
 
mood: distressed
I have far to much to do. And I tend to just waste my time doing things like this. Updating an online journal that no one even knows about. I could be working on my school work like a good girl... or getting dressed to go to work.

I hate my job. Its so incredibly boring and no one there is intersting enough to talk to. This is a first job for all of them... and they enjoy making minimum wage. Its going to be a real wake up call when second job hits... they might actually have to...gasp... work.

My car doesnt work. In fact its parked in the back lot of Mikes Quality Tune up.. They can't even look at it until tomorrow. And tomorrow I have school. So I had to borrow my mom's van so that I could go to the doctors this morning.. which my doctor must have forgot today is a holiday because it was closed. Just means I am going to have to someway find a way there tomorrow. The only reason Mom loaned me her van was because she feels sorry for me. She tells me my tears mean nothing to him and that I am wasting my time thinking about him. She's convinced he has been cheating on me all along anyway. I dont care anymore.

I went to go buy some art paper for a project due tomorrow. When I got in the parking lot I saw a blue jay flipping around on its back trying to get up. Kind of reminded me of a turtle. I parked and got out to try and help it. I was hesitant about touching it for awhile but figured what harm could it do. So i bent down and picked it up. I felt like a wannabe snowwhite trying to magically heal this bird. What could I possibly do for it. It jumped from my hands and tryed to fly. Ended up just soaring into the back of my moms van and crashed once more. I picked it up and walked towards aaron brothers, my destination. This asian lady came out of the beauty shop asking about the bird. So I asked if she had a box. I dont know why I was considering taking it home. I wanted to save it. I thought of what itd be like to nurse it back to health and watch it soar away. I can be such a hipppie sometimes. The little asian lady brought out a spray bottle and started squirting it. All over its butt and its mouth. Im not sure why but I wasnt about to ask. She set it down on the ground and said "look its better" she smiled as if mocking me. She went back inside... almost irrritated as if I had distracted her. The bird staring squwking and spinning around... moving like an epileptic. I knew it was dying. It just got louder and louder... which made me nervous because it drew attention. And as much as I wanted to help this bird I didnt want people laughing about me doing it. So I waited until it stopped squawking and picked it and put it in a cardboard box. It flipped around a few more times before it stood still. The asian lady walked back out just in time to watch me watch the bird die. She looked into me eyes waiting to see if id cry. Then smiled.. I walked away. I continued to aaron brothers to get the paper I needed.		  
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whatll i do for satisfaction.   
08:37am 05/09/2005
 
mood: indifferent
music: instant pleasure - rufus wainwright
I wish it was raining. My walks grow boring in nice weather. Nothing to do but worry about problems.

In the rain, you can dance, splash, or just feel it drip down your face.. taste it on your tongue. Then waste time wondering whether or not you are going to have caught a cold by the time you get home.

I love the rain.

Maybe I should move to Oregon.

I had been thinking about moving to so-cal for awhile now, but I now realize how stupid an idea that really was. I dont think anyone should be in a relationship that requires them to change their life in order to be with their other. Ya and thats what I wass doing... changing everything about my life. shaking my confidence left and right. Kind of makes me sick thinking about it. But it was my fault.. and my fault alone.

I keep thinking "life goes on" and that I know Im gonna be ok. THe crying finally stopped.. but I cant help feeling pathetic. I don't know what to do next. continue life as usual..? ya, usually I talked to him about 3 times a day.

Maybe my life change was just bad timing.. maybe I would have reshaped my life anyways without him watching over my shoulder.. I guess Ill never know. I stopped talking to most of my old friends, avoided everyone I could. Its just time for me to grow up and get out. I have done all the drugs and drinking here. Its all so pointless.

I HATE alcoholics... they are all idiots. The drink because they are depressed and are depressed because they drink. They get themselves retarded so that they dont have to face their inner demons.. yet when they are drunk is when they think about it the most. Talking with a drunk is entertaining... at a party... every once in awhile... NOT all the time. You might forget how much pain was inflicted during the conversation... ya but I don't. Or even if their is no harsh words exchanged... even if they are loving beautiful words, the fact that you wont even remember saying them let alone remember my response in the morning, kills me.

Everyone gets to a point or two in their lives where they decide they need to be alone, they need to figure things out, because their life just isnt working for them. I know Im definetly turning the corner and one of those. Im ready to get out of this life. Im ready to not know the people around me, to make my own name... not use the one the kids in high school gave me. But I cant just get up and leave. I have responsabilities here.

whats next?		  
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pathetic puppy   
11:01am 04/09/2005
 
mood: rejected
music: body is a wonderland - john mayer
My stomach is sick.

I dont know why I feel like this. Its killing me,

for the best.. I know.


So I guess life really has started its turn around. Nothing is the same. I am not who I used to be. I am not anybody else anymore. I am purely Amy now. THis wont mean anything to anyone else, but thats ok.

I miss him already... and he's not even gone. But then again he was never really here. What does that mean?


Why does this hurt?

I wish things could be the way you said.. but I know they cant. Things will never be how they were. Im sorry.

GAH!		  
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amy_b0t
 
 

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